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| 1973 |
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My BEAUTIFUL, HAPPY BABY BOY (after a shot a week for 8 months) WAS born in Mayfield, Ky. on September 18, 1973. |
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| 2004 |
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Shot himself through his broken heart & lung on October 18, 2004. I will never forget that terrible night when I got the call. I had been on the phone with Heidi Perry. She had been engaged to Bryan for 3 years. She worked w/me when she graduated from H.S. She was the daughter I never had. Heidi & Jim's baby was due & I had called to check on her. I think I remember hearing sirens while we were talking. I live a couple of blocks from where the fire department/ ambulance is located.. After we hung up the phone rang. It was my baby brother, Bill. I could tell by his voice something really bad had happened. He asked me if my boyfriend, Jim, was there. I told him no that Jim was bowling. I said whats wrong, he said I can't tell you if you are alone, I said Bill tell me what is wrong. Then he told me Bryan had shot himself. He would not tell me Bryan was dead. I remember screaming. I thought he was probably hunting on his farm, up in a tree & dropped the gun & it went off. Then I thought it was like the truck wreck, or snake bite - he would survive. Maybe he would have to have surgery, but he would not die. I called Jim on his cell. When he picked me up I told him to go on to the hospital, thinking that surely they had Bryan there by now. Jim tried to call 911 to find out where to take me. No luck. We went running in to the er. I asked the girl @ the desk if they were bringing in a gunshot victim. She went to the back & after what seemed like ages the nurse in charge came up to the desk & told us to go to the house. I asked if he was dead, she said go to the house. I told Jim he is dead, they are not bringing him here. We got back in the car & headed to Bryan's. Jim's cell rang. (I guess they got the # when he tried to call 911 or he had left a message on Bryan's machine but the police would not let anyone at that time to answer it). It was the State Police telling him that Bryan was dead, to take me home & someone would come & notify me that he was dead. I remember Jim saying I'm turning around. I thought we were going back to the hospital. I thought we had missed them. Jim said "oh me Baby". I asked what was wrong. He said it's bad. I kept asking what was wrong and then he told me Bryan was dead. That was the night I died too. I still can't believe it, even after 2 years. It does not get any better. I go through the motions of living only because I don't know what else to do. I ask so many times how would Bryan have felt if when I divorced his dad, I took my life. Why don't they realize what happens to their loved ones & friends when this happens. What can be so terribly wrong that this is the only choice? Can their pain be greater than what we go through? Was he suicidal or mentally ill or just really drunk? My life will never be the same. I will never know joy, or happiness again. I don't think at this moment I want to. Bryan made it through so many close calls & I hung on to the hope he would be ok this time. I thought he was a strong willed person. I get soooooo angry with him for doing this to us. I don't think he wanted to die, I think he was just so drunk that the devil got his way. I think I could handle it better if I felt he was bi-polar or mentally ill. But knowing he chose to drink so much I really get angry with him. I hope he sees the pain he has left us with. How his brother & sister in law live with what they went through that night, I will never know. Bryan always worried so about his brother because he is a diabetic. They were begging with him, trying to reason w/him and thought they had him convinced not to take his life. They left him with his dad & went to get his truck. His dad thought he was getting them something to drink. He heard a gun shot & looked up to see Bryan falling. When his brother got back (about 10-15 minutes after leaving) he tried to find a pulse & turned him over to let the blood run out of his mouth. They said Bryan kept asking his brother to go with him. When Bryan had his wreck, I never left him. He had surgery on his foot when he was 12, I never left him. Forgive me for going on & on. I was helping him pay his bills (to keep him from getting depressed Ha! Ha!) taking groceries to him, calling, but trying not to be a bother or interfering mother. I have no answers. Who does? |
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